"To Be Expected" Still Sucks

Finally, the day has come and went where I was able to see what I will from now on refer to as the "pump doc." It many ways this visit could be considered a great success. I have gotten further in the last few months than I have in the last 15 years of wanting Insulin Pump Therapy. Here's how it went: Walk in at 11a.m. after being at work at the VA since 7p.m. the evening before. After 16 hrs awake, the doctor prances in and gives me a pop quiz on carb counting and my two week old sliding scale, what I now know is called my basal rate. Good to know. I got the answers correct, but apparently I did not "seem as comfortable" with it as he would've liked. We discussed the advantages and the challenges of the Omnipod, though I could've mentioned that I had been drooling over the information package and the website since I heard about it in April. Next, we discussed why I wanted to be on the pump, and I gave him my short list, respectfully, even though all I wanted to say was "Duh." I know its not going to solve all of my problems, but the majority of the advantages are kind of obvious. Then, he brought in a model pump, which is where I got really excited. Just seeing the tiny little pod, and the cell phone-like PDA and thinking about how that could be what I need to finally feel the freedom that I've been craving for so long. My heart certainly was a-pitter-pattering. Finally, the pump doc's decision. He will call the Omnipod Manager for the area, give her my name. I will then call her and work with her for however long it shall take until I am ready and comfortable with basal and bolus rates and all the other pump lingo that I am oblivious of. Until then, the doc will also work with me to gain tighter control of my A1C, which he commended me on, but still would like to see me at a 7 instead of a 9. Then I left with the phone number I needed to get the ball rolling.
So, you can see how this doctor's visit is a success. This is within my grasp now, I know I can do what it takes to achieve this goal. On the other hand, when I stepped out the door of the doc's office, all I felt was another rejection. I knew I wasn't going to walk in empty handed and walk out with a pod on my belly, ready to dump all my needles in the trash (or medical waste sharps box), but something inside of me made me feel like that's what should've happened. I think sometimes a person may know not to expect certain things from other people or from life in general, but people just can't help the expectation that builds up inside of them over so many years of deep and personal longing. In the end, I can snap out of this needless sense of loss because my support is still ever-present, and, as I said, the goal is still obtainable. I made the call today and left a message. I hope to hear from this woman soon, so I can start again on a task that will lead me to what I want. Gotta keep busy or I might forget that I can do this.