Good Morning Sunshine!

It's a BEAUTIFUL morning! Yes, bgs have begun to simmer down a bit, but the great p about it is that all of the fluctuations are, for the most part, explainable. Naturally, I still have to tweak my different rates and work with my pump coach on figuring out how to best do that. The lat week has been pretty exhausting because on top of the two hour checks, I've also been taking care of my sister who just had major ankle reconstruction and my 22-month old nephew who is, needless to say, quite a handful. So, in between feeding, handing out beverages, medicine, pillows and blankets, bath time, nap time and general support I am checking sugars, counting carbs and still learning my new tech; however, the stress is not overwhelming me(which is new to me) due to the great support I have from family and friends. People I would have never would have thought would have been interested in any of this are actually excited about it. It's a good feeling. I feel good about my pump. Better days are actively on their way, and I'm just enjoying the ride for today. I've been able to wake up every morning for the last week knowing that, barring an emergency, I do not have to take an injection, and I think to myself, "Good Morning Sunshine!"

I Love You, I Love You Not

This pump stuff is hard to get started! I was told to expect certain issues as we try to figure out what is right for me, like finding the correct basal rates. But for the last two days I've been running high, and it's just been getting higher. My pump coach told me that highs are natural because we're working with the rates, but I'm still very bummed about it. When my blood sugar hit 500 this evening, despite many correction boluses, MJ, my coach, told me to go ahead and change pods. And also to take an injection just to get some insulin on board. I don't think it was completely defective, I would have been a whole heck of a lot higher, but hopefully it was something to do with the pod or the site, maybe. As I deactivated my pod and peeled it off of the back of my arm something inside of me felt like I had failed. I've experienced this type of feeling before with highs and lows. When you try so hard at something, and it seems not to matter at all. It's extremely frustrating. I'm sure anyone can relate to the feeling.
Anyways, I'm checking every two hours for now, and it's coming down, slowly but surely. Many times in the past I would've shot up an absurd amount of insulin to make myself go lower as fast as possible. As you can imagine, that rarely ended well. Another advantage of being on a pump is that that's less likely to occur. I feel good about this new site, though. On my back this time. I just keep visualizing the time, not far from now, after we have all my rates and bgs under tighter control, when life will be so much sweeter.

How's It Gonna Be Now?

So, today was the day. My pod/ pump day. Its been weird. I woke up early to clean the house a bit since my pump trainer, MJ, was going to come to my mom's house to help me activate my first insulin pod. Bubbling with excitement, I tied my do rag on and cleaned half the house before my phone buzzed and MJ's name popped up on the screen. Instantly I was a little worried. MJ was sick with a stomach virus, didn't think she could make it to the house. She hated calling me to tell me this, she knew that I would be bummed. I told her it was ok, I was sorry she didn't feel well, get better. I tried to sound reassuring. Of course, after I hung up I threw my phone across the room and stomped off to pout. After a few minutes my mom came in asked what happened. Mom wondered out loud if MJ would let us program the basal rate and activate the pod ourselves, working with us over the phone. Because I was feeling pretty negative about the whole thing, I thought it was an awful idea. But she's the boss, and when she told me to ring MJ up again, I obeyed.
Mom took the phone and began chatting her up with that confident, assuaging tone of voice that I envy in her and try to emulate myself when dealing with a difficult situation. Let me first tell you that since mom is an extremely talented RN, and when we met MJ the two of them hit it off, bonding over the whole nursing deal. It didn't even take five minutes before mom said thank you, hung up the phone, and told me to get my stuff ready, MJ was gonna call back and talk me through it. MJ told me there was no way she would've allowed this if my mother wasn't an experienced, knowledgeable health care professional. Everything about my momma is awesome!
So I am now sporting an active insulin pod. It's so sudden, I now do not have to shoot insulin. Lunch was my first pod bolus. As I was entering my carbs I teared up a little. This is it, all I have to do to stay alive is check my bloodsugar, count my carbs and push a few buttons! I feel like I'm cheating, like I'm not doing enough, like any minute I'm going to get sick, go into DKA and have to rush to the ER. I still have some nervous energy I guess. It's harder then I thought to let go of the needle, something that's been conditioned into everything I've had to do over the last 14 years (and 6 months).
I can't stop cheesing. I'm so happy. So nervous. So unsure of what to do with myself now. I can't believe that I'm gonna wake up tomorrow morning and not have to take a shot. It's just so weird to me. How am I gonna handle it when a cure is discovered?

I had internet issues and this post was meant to be set up Saturday. Pictures to come as soon as I find my USB cord.

Bye Bye to the Trial Run, Here Comes the Real Thing

Today I took off my last trial run pod, and threw it away. I keep forgetting to take a picture of it. It was a little sad for me to not be able to put another one on. My mom tried to talk me into going ahead and filling one with insulin and starting without the go-ahead from MJ, my pump trainer. Remember, she's just as excited about this whole process as I am. It was so tempting! I decided to decline when she said, "what's the worst that could happen," which is one of my trigger phrases: when someone says this I know that there's a lot that could happen that I might not even be able to think of, and that this could easily turn out badly. So, I'll wait for MJ's next training session at my house on Saturday before I apply an insulin pod. These next few days are going to drag on filled with excrutiating excitement and buzzing anxiety. It feels kind of like leaving my parents home for the first time. I'm saying good-bye to needles that have taken care of me, kept me alive and with whom I've fought for many years, and I'm saying hello to the freedom of the Omnipod. A part of me is gonna miss these things on which I have depended for so long. They have been a reliable and consistent part of my life for over half of my life. I won't miss stabbing myself 4-6 times a day, but i will miss what they stood for and what they gave me: life. I'm very excited about the Omnipod, and I've wanted a pump for a long time; however, it's new to me, and that's always a little scary. My diabetes and my life will soon be dependent on a handheld wireless device and its signal to a small piece of plastic. I never imagined I would feel this way so close to my switch day, my pump day, but I do. Its not overwhelming, and there's nothing that could scare me from putting on the pod. I wish it was Saturday.

Pod # 2

Under the Boardwalk

Just got back from my fun-filled trip to Daytona, it was awesome! I spent plenty of time on the beach, my favorite place in the world, playing in the ocean and riding three wheeler bikes up and down the surf's edge. The entire time I had my new trusty pod attached with a little extra adhesive added, and even though I fretted about it obsessively, it held tight to my skin like it was a part of me. While I was there I got very comfortable with working my PDM, treating it as if it was already my little artificial pancreas. I also changed my first pod by myself, which also went very well. Again, I was a little nervous, but it went without a hitch. Good times. I did get a few stares on the beach, but nothing too distracting. I'm sure most people just haven't seen a pump like this, and it does look a little funny. It's nice that I had the chance to test it out at the beach and also that I got to test out my skills on the PDM before I quit the shots for good.
Saturday I make the big switch from needles to the insulin filled Omnipod Pump. I'm so excited! No more shots! No more shots! It's gonna be so wonderfully weird.

Rockin' this Pump

All that worry for nothing! Met my pump educator face to face today, and she was incredible! MJ, a highly qualified and experienced diabetes educator, told me that she was good at this (pump/ diabetes education) thing, and assured me that she would make me into an Omnipod success story. I told her that I thought I might just love working with her. MJ gave me credit for having my bloodsugars, coverage and food/ carb. logs prepared. I told her that was because I want this, and I would do whatever she deemed neccesary. We dived right into bloodsugar patterns throughout my typical day, carbohydrate counting, sensitivity ratio, pump terminology and a basic explanation of how the pump flows. It took two hours that felt like eight, and fell just short of completely overwhelming me with information. It always surprises me how even after almost 15 years of experience and practice, I can consistently learn such new and fascinating aspects of d if I just maintain an open mind throughout my adventures. So I refreshed on previous knowledge and learned many new things. I was getting tired and my attention was beginning to drift when...
M.J. told me to retrieve my brand new PDM. I turned it on for the first time and felt a rush. She helped me program my adjusted basal and bolus rates. Each button I pushed and setting I ran through got me closer to what I really wanted. Finally, she took out the dummy pod. I hung on every single movement and direction she gave me. I didn't just see and hear, though. I imbibed.
Then, I got my pod out. With a little awkward positioning and second guessing, I filled my pod with normal saline (insulin comes next week, this is my warm up week) and hit all of the corresponding buttons; then, the time had come to hook up. I applied my first pod on the back of my right arm, so it would be easy to show all of my family and friends. After sticking it on really good I waited for the click of the cannula insertion, and even though I expected it, I still jumped when it connected. But I cheesed like mac the whole time.
Since then my arm has gone a little numb from holding it up to show people and stare at it in the mirror. I feel like I'm not happy enough for this turning point. Its only normal saline for the next week, but the day is so close. The day without syringes. No more shots! I don't even know how I feel anymore, its surreal. What will it be like to wake up one day next week and not have to take shots anymore. Its like waking up and not having to open your eyes, just seeing. Maybe...I don't know if that fits. I feel like my whole identity it going to shift. Anyways, my first night was uneventful, even though I kept waking up to make sure it was still there. I'm going to Daytona this week to test howit works on the beach. Wish me luck because if it doesn't do well I might have to figur something out. I'm a beach nut. Thank you all, couldn't have done it without you.

Like the First Day of School...

Its near 3a.m on a Friday morning and I'm sitting on the bed staring at the Omnipod start-up kit in my table. Just sitting and anxiously waiting for my endo appointment/ training session with the pump trainer. I've done all of what's been asked of me: I check my bloodsugar at least four times a day, I've been keeping a carb counting food log, I've read my literature and did my pre-training homework. I'm still so nervous. I can barely believe I will finally be on the pump.Some girls grow up dreaming of weddings, cars, houses and children. I've dreamt of this.
I've got a major case of the "what ifs," though. What if I go in there and they say I'm still not ready, haven't put forth enough effort, haven't been a good diabetic? They have many reasons, I'm sure, to send me home without the ok to pump up.
As I sit here staring at a pod in it's wrapper, I imagine it attached to my skin. I picture myself walking into a party with it hidden on my back, instead of walking in with a bag full of supplies. I can see myself showing my friends, seeing their amazement, instead pulling out my bag of needles and insulin bottles in the middle of a conversation. I've never been so close that I can feel the pod on me already.
At the same time, my anxiety projects the emotions of failure in my body as it coldly courses through me. I feel the shame of walking out of the door and telling my mom its not happening today. I feel the depression that would occupy my life as I would close myself off from the hope that's been driving me towards this goal. It hasn't happened, and God willing it will not, but I already feel inconsolable for this imaginary me that was rejected and denied her dream.
I don't know why I'm so sick with nerves. I have done everything expected of me in order to obtain my pump, so I'm sure I will get what I deserve. This anxiety has just gotten me rattled, but I will remain positive. 11 more hours.

Soon I Will Be Able To...

1. Spend the night with a friend on a whim, without having to worry if I have enough syringes and my different insulins.

2. Have dinner out of the house without having to risk inquiring stares, offending a needle-phobe, or excusing myself from the table to go to the bathroom to stab myself each time that I need to.

3. Not having to worry about my nephew growing, me unaware, just enough to be able to reach my needles or insulin and play with them like they are toys.

4. Have the meals and snacks that I love, and, with the carb ratio stored into a memory bank along with many common foods, only have to do the math one time. From then on out it will be at the push of a button.

5. Not have to tell everyone in the world my business by pulling out a needle and a bottle of insulin in front of them. If it's one of those days on which I don't feel like sharing or being the unofficial diabetes educator that comes along with the territory (which happens every once in a while), I don't have to. I'll just hit my buttons on my little machine and go about my business.

These are just a few things that I realized in the course of my day yesterday. I went to a BBQ for a friend's birthday, and after being invited to stay the night instead of the 40 minute ride home, had to go and buy a pack of syringes to make it through the next day. I had to ask if anyone around me would be bothered by the sight of needles( I've had that experience), and after hearing a yes, excused myself to the restroom for my shot and each subsequent poke. My sister called and told me that I needed to find a new spot for my needles at her house because my 20 month old nephew could now reach them. He could have so easily hurt himself. The food at the party was delicious, but some of it I had no idea of the carbohydrates, so I tried to look most of it up by the ingredients, but would have no idea how to retain that information should I encounter it again at another party. It would be nice to not have to look things up every time I want to eat or run into a great meal that I have already looked up before. At every public/ social event, once my diabetes has become known for any reason, there is going to be at least one person with a couple of questions and/ or statements of ignorance. Most of the time I don't mind, and it feels like my responsibility to spread the truth to those who don't know or want to know more about this disease, but sometimes I really just don't feel like it!
My experience as a diabetic will soon change in ways I probably have not even imagined. Not to mention the real benefit: tighter control. Things such as the aforementioned would not have really depressed me, but they would have affected me on any other day. Yesterday, they made me smile because I knew this change was coming, and could not help but enjoy the moment.

Just When I Get Up, I Get So Down

Maybe its the mood disorder talking, but my joy over the pump that's already in the mail is beginning to recede. Because of the mothers of children with diabetes out there that I have been in contact with recently, I was hesitant about expressing these particular feelings; however, I am a writer, and I cannot help the flow. Maybe this will prove helpful to someone, instead of fretful. Many of the feelings of shame I felt growing up as a type 1 were accompanied by feelings of being a burden: a burden because of the attention I received over my sisters, a burden because of the lifestyle changes a whole family had to accept because of my issues and, more than ever since becoming a "legal" adult, the financial burden of being a diabetic.

I mentioned how my mother has been right beside me in pursuing my new positive, healthy lifestyle, and working towards my diabetes goals. The other day she paid out of pocket for an expensive piece of pump. I know that she will pay annually whatever the cost for the supplies needed to maintain the pump. I cannot afford to take care of my own disease. My mother says I've worked hard for these things, that she's happy to pay for a little ease and comfort for me (of which I am assured) and that she knows that soon I will be in a situation where I can afford to take care of myself. She is happy to do these things for me. Still, I don't want her or anyone to have to spend a dime on me. I am an adult, and it was my own life choices that put me in the situation where I cannot afford the things that I would like to have.

Its too late to tell her I don't want it, not that she would listen, the money's been paid. Can't go back now, especially because I don't want her to lose on the investment. On Monday she wants to order a Dexcom CGM (out of pocket)that the doc prescribed for me. I want it so bad I get emotional just thinking about what it would be like to have and to use. I don't think I could say no to it.

I try my best to stay positive, and lately have been able to succeed in that. Its odd that I get most down after hearing some of the best news. I am just so sick of feeling bad because of d.

APPROVED

Finally, I have found the approval I have been seeking. When I was a newly diagnosed diabetic, from 1996 until 2000, my endocronologists all told me that they were weary of presribing insulin pumps to children. In my teenage years I struggled with acceptance and rebelled as a diabetic, often becoming very ill and labled non-compliant. A pump was out of the question during this time. At 22 I began to try and get my chaotic life on track, starting with small things and working on myself one day at a time. Last April, after my 24th birthday, my mom decided to ask her endocronologist (whom she sees for her thyroid, she's not a diabetic) how I would go about getting a pump. For as long as I've had diabetes, though I only recently realized this, her dreams have been the same as mine when it comes to my disease. This is when we were introduced to the Omnipod Insulin Pump. This doctor gave us an information package, told me to check four times a day and scheduled an appointment for a few months later. I did what I was told, kept my appointment, did what I was told some more, and finally, a couple of days ago, I found out that this dream has come true. My mother put in the order for my start-up package and my first box of pods yesterday. I made an appointment with an Omnipod educator, so I can learn how to live my new life with a pump. By next week I will know how to hook up and medicate myself with the Omnipod. Before the end of the month I will no longer have to shoot myself up 5-6 times a day, I will be a pump user. I will be a pod person. Thank you, mom. Thank you to my sisters, for helping me, supporting me and cheering me on despite my insane moods. Thanks to my whole family, and all of my wonderful supporters. This might not seem like a big deal to many people, but this is the coming true of a dream I've had for longer than any other in my life.

What To Do, What To DO?

First of all, I wanted thank everyone, especially my new friends here, for the support and the communication. I wanted to use this post to answer what I feel is one of the most important questions anyone has ever asked me. Reyna, a parent of a 7 year-old diabetic son named Joe, asked me what can be done to help him grow up without measuring his self worth in terms of his diabetes. I marinated on this question all day, and even asked my mother how she felt about it. My mother has had more impact on me as a diabetic and as a person then anyone else in my life, so she seemed like a good authority to approach about this.
For one thing, the support I recieved from my family and friends was always felt, but not always appreciated. It's hard to seperate yourself from the "you don't know what I'm going through, so you don't understand" attitude. Especially during my teenage years, through which I rebelled in dramatic and dangerous ways as a diabetic, I would shout this at the people who cared about me most and tried to encourage me to take care of myself. But I always knew I had that support, and I know that is the main reason I made it alive through those tumultuous years. So, though I doubt you need to hear it from me, just always be there for him, even if it seems he doesn't want you to be.
Second of all, it is always significant for me to come in contact with someone who does "get it." When I started this endeaver, I felt like I was just writing a diary, not expecting anyone to read this. But after hearing that other people not only read, but actually identify, I immeadiately felt like this was what was gonna keep me positive and on track with my progress. Communication in sharing our experiences with each other is SOOOO important. We (all people) must have an outlet for all of the emotional stress that our different experiences and situations create in our lives in order to learn how to cope. I highly stress trying to develop a situation in which, as Joe grows up, he can learn to effectively share and communicate, as well as have a little fun, with other diabetics that understand the things that he goes through. It's amazing how much lighter you feel when, after a bad day of unexpected lows (or something like that), you can go out to eat with a buddy with diabetes and just say, "UGHHH!" And they get it. I have to say, my first real experience with this was the year after I was diagnosed when my mother dropped me off at a diabetes camp for kids. It was so wonderful. I had so much fun in a safe environment in which I was surrounded by other kids and counselors that all understood. That is something I would definately suggest for a young diabetic.
I hope this helped answer your question. I also want to say that, if you aren't already aware of this, there's a website called tudiabetes.org that has a special group for parents of diabetics. I believe that this group would definately be able to help you with the struggles you might encounter being the mother of a young diabetic.

Diabetic Shame

I am ashamed. The motivation I have been so high off of since April has slacked considerably over the last week or two. To be quite honest, I have had no desire to take care of myself lately. The "to be expected" answer I recieved from the doctor about the pump must have affected me more than I realized because I no longer feel excited about my future as a diabetic. I don't check regularly. I don't take my insulin as directed. I stopped counting carbs and reverted back to guessing and estimating. I feel like I've lost faith. I feel like I've lost. I know this couldn't be further from the truth, but still, that's how I feel. I hate how much I attribute my worth as a person to my behavior and status as a diabetic. Tomorrow is a new day. As long as I can focus on progress I can overcome these small setbacks and reversions to old habits. At least I haven't fallen so far from the diabetic I want to be that I can't come back quick, in one day even. One day at a time!