Saturday, September 4, 2010
Diabetic Shame
I am ashamed. The motivation I have been so high off of since April has slacked considerably over the last week or two. To be quite honest, I have had no desire to take care of myself lately. The "to be expected" answer I recieved from the doctor about the pump must have affected me more than I realized because I no longer feel excited about my future as a diabetic. I don't check regularly. I don't take my insulin as directed. I stopped counting carbs and reverted back to guessing and estimating. I feel like I've lost faith. I feel like I've lost. I know this couldn't be further from the truth, but still, that's how I feel. I hate how much I attribute my worth as a person to my behavior and status as a diabetic. Tomorrow is a new day. As long as I can focus on progress I can overcome these small setbacks and reversions to old habits. At least I haven't fallen so far from the diabetic I want to be that I can't come back quick, in one day even. One day at a time!
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Each day's a new day, a new opportunity. We're all doing the best we can. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteJessica...I just started reading your story. I am fascinated by the part where you associate your worth with your diabetic status. You see, my son Joe (7years old) was diagnosed when he was 3...how can I help him grow up with a self worth not tied in to "d"...any suggestions?
ReplyDeleteTomorrow is a new day...and you have friends here that are following your story. Hang in there friend.
Hey there,
ReplyDeleteThis d-sh!t is really hard! Try not to beat yourself up too much... I've read your last few posts (I'm new to your blog) and it sounds like you're really trying and doing your best.
I totally connect with the feeling of pushing diabetes stuff away and not wanting to do any of it. For me, it waxes and wanes. I just try to remember I'm doing my best I can and when I get in a bad way I try to take things in smaller steps. Like just trying to test a bit more or consistently for breakfast and then add more tasks as I feel I can deal with it. It's tough. It's constant. And, really, it's a raw deal. But know that you've got some good fans cheering you on here (and it sounds like you've got some good support with your family as well).
Hope you feel better soon...
<3 Virtue.
PS- was the 'to be expected' news from the doc about the pump bad? It maybe sounds like not the best news, but I didn't want to assume.
No, my pump news was not bad at all! Basically, I was told that I have some work to do before I can get hooked up. The "to be expected" part of it all was that I knew going in there that I would have to do certain things, like a diabetes education refresher class, pump info class and I figured my doc might want to be reassured of my commitment by seeing if I can lower my A1C a little more. I expected these things before I could be approved; however, this little part of me still held onto the hope that I would leave with a pump that day. An irrational hope, but still disappointing to me. Maybe I'm just sensitive. But I do always bounce back, it's hard not to with the kind of support I have, you're right about that!
ReplyDeleteHi Jessica....I found your blog from Reyna's post today.
ReplyDeleteI just want to encourage you. I'm raising a CWD...she's 7 and was dx a little over 5 years ago.
While our view of diabetes may be different, please know that we're all here to cheer you on!