A Good Sunday's Pace

Some days are just set at such a perfect pace that I don't want to interupt the flow by fighting against all the things that I don't want to do but I know I must. Just like all of the more important things in life. For the last few days I've been waking at the pace of a busy bee, today was no exception. However today was more about focusing on the stuff I wanted to accomplish for myself instead of trying to earn some cash or handle obligations. So, while I was busy painting my sister's new patio table (which looks great) and enjoying my mani/pedi, checking my bloodsugar wasn't at the forefront of my thoughts. I didn't forget, I checked as I should have, but I didn't worry about it, or get upset about it or even think about it outside of when was absolutely necessary. I just did it, shot up, and went about my easy Sunday. It was nice, but my numbers more reflected neglected control. That could also be due to a lack of control of my diet today. I ate well today. All You Can Eat sushi and popcorn and candy to munch on during the movie we rented. Yeah, it was a good day. I'll make it up to myself later.

Some Time

I know for a fact that anyone who is trying to change anything about themselves would just love to see results immeadiately, but they never feel like their lives are changing enough. At one point in time I kept a journal for a therapist who liked to read the way I expressed myself on paper. I wrote an entry once that compared the way I lived with diabetes to the way a desolate, depressed drug addict might live. She was impressed, and I think she said something like, "I get it now." Ironically I had the misfortune of shortly later experiencing living as an addict. Guess what? I was right. I was doing the same thing essentially with both. I was poisoning my body, killing myself. I was sick.
The cool thing about what I am trying to do now, is that I have experience with this whole changing my life, changing my future deal. I know to limit my expectations, to keep it simple, take one day (or drop) at a time, I know that it takes Time. I dread the word, Time, but if that's what it takes, you have to be willing to give it. With this knowledge, I'm prepared for the bumps ahead and the frustration that ensues. It still gets to me sometimes though, my lack of desired results these last couple of days. But I'm determined. I'll give it some Time.

When Did I Become a Morning Person?

My only problem right now, with my bloodsugar, is my "bedtime" check. I consider myself a morning person, so for the most part I am able to roll out of bed and attack the day. I might not eat after that for a couple of hours, but I check it and get it out of the way. I'll take my insulin when I am ready. Luch is easy because I'm ready to check shortly after I eat breakfast. I'm all about getting some numbers on the board, you know. My schedule is not regular enough (especially having no job) to do everything in it's proper time slot, I do what I can until I can do what I want. Dinner is where I go wrong I think. My goal is to check with sun set. I typically eat not much later than that, so it's a good goal. But I forget some, and lately I've been eating super late. So I'm not checking until like 10 at night. I'm not staying up much past midnight any night.
You see the times don't really match up. And I get so tired the thought barely registers before I deadfall into bed. I'm sick of it by the end of the day. I'm not interested at the moment, you know? I need to stop thinking about it and make it just as regular as all the other stuff. Unlike in the morning, when I wake up knowing I'm gonna roll over and check, at night I've had all day of doing stuff, and I can't imagine adding anything to that list, like "it's ten at night, I'm dead tired, but I need to get up in a few and check my bloodsugar." Yippee Skippee! That's what needs to be done, though, so that's today's goal I guess. I can't wait til the confusion I'll experience switching back to my night shift schedule. I better get this stuff in the bag before I go back to that chaos.

This Momentous Day

Yesterday I realized how much I appreciated the changes I've made in my daily living activities. I seem to be able to simplify things a little bit, not feel so sensative and dramatic over every lttle thing. I've always felt like when I am able to truly focus on one major goal, I can actually step right over the smaller (or so I believe, maybe big in the bigger picture) obstacles and finally begin to conquer all of the things I always wanted to. My ambition has returned to me in such full force that I was temporarily overwhelmed, but my fears are discredited for the time being and I feel hot! I'm ready to roll!
Exercise, diet and health conscious choices have again become of interest to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing Zumba and lickin' lettuce, but I am taking bunches of walks and sprinkling my day with fun light-to-moderate activity, such a working at Elaina's gym and stretching. Along with the new action, I am morphing my diet into something more resembling a healthy diabetic's normal diet. Eating a lot of toast, sandwhiches, fruit and vegetables instead of Ramen and Pop Tarts. Like I said, far, far from where I want to be, but I'm really diggin' just gettin' on the road and making this trip. I am throwing stones in the pond on this momentous day knowing that the affects will be rippling through the water for far longer than I could even imagine.
I have decided to begin a food log and maybe even a medicine log to go along with my bloodsugar log, and then I'm gonna try and add them as a page on the blog. What do you think? Just like when I look down at the bad bloodsugars and get depressed, when I look at the good ones, I get pumped. Why shouldn't this work with everything else?

Such a Smooth Ride, You Don't Even Notice the Bumps

Props to my mom and my sis Elaina for planning my long getaway to Elaina's house on the beach. I'm enjoying my time and strengthening my sense of independance, which escapes me sometimes when I'm staying with my mother. It's Momma, it's hard not to depend on her when she's so giving and caring. The weather's great, the view is great and the mood is great. Maybe I'm just having a good morning, pre-daily battles, but I feel pumped and ready to have a good one. Despite some bumps stressing out about supplies, and consequently, affecting my ambitition, I've calmed down into a state of mind where I don't even notice the road, I just see the destination. OmniPod is where I'm goin,' and I'm gettin' there.
I'm having more trouble with low bloodsugars right now because I am too impatient to fix my highs the right way. My goal for today is to utilize the sliding scale I found online and see if it gets any better. This atmosphere at Elaina's place is like trading up to a more efficient vehicle in which I can ride out these bumps to make for a smoother ride. My morning b.s. was a 132 (good for me, good for you?) , and I'm anticipating decent numbers for the rest of the day. If not, I'll just continue to chill and ride smooth. Stress relief improves upon compliance to life's disciplnes; in other words, the beach rocks! Life is Good.

Quit Trippin"

One of my complaints (among many) is that checking my bloodsugar is just way too inconvenient. Everything about it. Travelling is especially a difficult situation for me nearly everytime. I went up to Destin to stay with my sister for a long vacation. I travel a lot for a poor, unemployed person. Here is how most of my trips typically pan out. First off, I forget something every single time. This time I forgot to pack enough testing strips, possibly because I'm used to a bottle lasting six months because I never tested. When I figured this out it was 7:30 p.m. and my sister and I were covered in dirt and paint after working at U.S. Gold Gym. It took massive motivation and moral support in order for us to make it to Wal Mart so I could pay the grossly expensive over-the-counter price for the testing strips, go home and check my disgustingly high blood sugar. I could blame the stress of the situation, because after I realized I would have to spend half of my trip money on testing strips I got pissed off and ate 3 cupcakes, thinking "fuck my bloodsugar." Oh well, I got through it and tested. I got my strips. I blogged about it. I can get over a high bloodsugar, but if I quit now, even for one night. Knowing myself, I would not start testing again for awhile if I chose to let myself start slcking now.

Fixing the Last Thing I Did Wrong

Today was a little stressful as far as my bloodsugars are go. I can tell when I'm getting frustrated with my numbers being too consistently high because I suddenly find myself pale, shaky and sweaty for nearly an entire day. I don't do it on purpose, but though I'm praying my sugars will improve, as I push in the plunger on the syringe I know that I am probably overdoing it a bit. A bit way too much if my machine has anything to say about it. 35 was the lowest today, and there were a few others, like I said. I need to find a sliding scale that works for me. Fast. I'm trying to Google a good way to work with one, but the whole trial and error aspect that is required for all systems of dosage just isn't working fast enough for my liking. I want it NOW.
Is there ever this annoying thought that interupts your other thoughts throughout the day, everyday, in such a negative way that you just want to smack yourself in the head, as if you might be able to knock that annoying bastard right out of your ear? I have a lot of them, and it doesn't work. Trust me. I can't get it out of my head that this whole plan of mine will amount to nothing, even if I get my OmniPod with no hitches. I simply won't have the insurance or the money to maintain such a machine and the prescriptions needed. I have a way of forcing my hope down where it came from whenever it springs up, and challenging it as soon as I can with the most negative and ambivalent responses I can conjure. It is unfortunately my nature. On days like this the words "money, money, money" and "useless, useless, useless" run through my head pretty constantly, among others, and I hesitate in continuing with this journey before all of the bad things I anticipate can even have a chance of happening. I'm such a downer sometimes.
But then, without thinking of the past, nor the future, I hear this other word over and over, and I make my body respond to it like a robot, "check, check, check." I suppose it could all work out, but even if it doesn't, I'm still gonna make it a habit to check everyday. This will only help to let me live longer, God-willing.

As I Eat One More Fun Size Butterfinger

Another day of checking my blood, and I'm still doing well in sticking myself. The act itself has never been the hard part for me. It's always been the management. When I was a newly diagnosed kid I was surrounded by doctors and healthcare workers who were (to put it nicely) out of there scope treating a kid with type one. I'm pretty sure they almost killed me. My mom threatened to kill them, and they were actually her colleagues at the time. So I've been checking my sugar regularly for over a week now and it seems like the initial pride in myself has subsided and now I'm just disappointed in the horrific numbers I'm producing. Nothing over 500, thank God, but close a couple of times (I'm embarrassed to admit).
O.k., I see a bad number and I know I have to take a shot. My last sliding scale that came from a doc was three years ago. It doesn't seem to be working or I'm not remembering right. I give doses that are basically just guesses based on gut feelings. They either leave me wanting more (still high) or I over compensate (go too low), very rarely am I on the nose with these guesses. The difference now, with following up on my bloodsugars, of course is the knowledge that what I'm doing isn't working.
I have no doc to call or go to and help me fix this as I am uninsured. I want to be better at this because it's embarrasing and depressing to have had a disease for 14 years and admit that I don't really know what the hell I'm doing. I'll keep checking, though. I just ate a handful of fun size Butterfingers, gave a shot of guesstimated dosage, and I have no idea what to expect when I check my suar before I go to bed. OmniPod would make life so much more simple. I guess I could go back to carb-counting for now. Couldn't hurt.

One Drop at a Time

In the beginning the key to being a compliant diabetic was drilled into me by the doctors, nurses, educators, nutritionists and my mom: test, test, test. Unfortunately, after a couple of years that got very old, so I quit. Not completely, but at a barely existant rate anyways. I lied about the numbers to the doctors, hid candy under my pillow and had my granny pick me up from school every other day because "my bloodsugar was bad." Don't judge me. I went through the stages of grief and was deeply depressed about the whole deal. I also tried to rebel againt taking my insulin shots as an adolescent, but, as you might imagine, that never lasted long. I tried it multiple times just to make sure, so trust me when I say, unlike the testing and the diet, taking your shots is one aspect of the disorder/disease that you cannot side-step. I'm sure most of you understood that fairly early on, but I'm one of those people that if you tell me not to break my leg, it hurts, I just don't trust you and must proceed to find out for myself.
So, 14 years A.D. (after diagnoses) I'm back at the beginning: test, test, test. My mother, whom I live with after trying to make it on my own and failing, has recognized the progress I've made in other areas of restructuring my life and has made an appointment with an endocronologist, whom she is paying out of pocket. This doctor gave me a brochure for the OmniPod Insulin Management System. You should all check out the link because the tech is truly amazing and would be life-changing ina wonderful way. So the doc told me to check my blood sugar at least four times a day for the next three months, non-stop, and come back for an appointment only if I succeed in that. I am currently on Day 7 and I've got to tell you, I was sick of it before Day 1 was over. My B.S. range from decent to "CALL THE DOCTOR!"
Well, Week 1 is over and I still have doubts as to wether or not I can accomplish this beast of a task I've been fighting over half of my life. I hope I can do this, I want it so bad. This blog will help, I think. Please comment with any encouragement you can muster, and I will share my journey with you as well as share some info on the disease I know so well and some tips that might help someone else out there. That would be too cool if this could encourage another diabetic to fight this battle as well. Thanks!