Don't Pee On Today

I walk around with quite a bit of anxiety to weigh me down. It is the middle of summer and my mind is months away. I can be enjoying a beautiful day, doing not much in particular besides cleaning the house, walking around the neighborhood and swimming in my mom's pool; then, it starts with one little worry and suddenly my chest hurts and my limbs feel so heavy. Today I was enjoying my day exactly as aforementioned and I realize that I have to email the Board of Nursing because my application to be a Certified Nursing Assistant hasn't been approved yet (I passed my test in February). As this is my immeadiate occupational goal, I am extremely stressed out about the Board denying me. I get depressed just thinking about it. Next, I worry about not having a job, not being able to get a job. No money.No car. No place of my own to live. No health insurance. Of course, I soon begin to freak out about my endocronologist appointment that my mom is paying for out of pocket. It's coming up soon (not soon enough), just a couple of months. What if I can't get approved by the doctor? My diabetes has been a train wreck in the past and my lack of compliance leaves no reason for any doctor to believe in me. What if I do get it, but I can't get a job, can't get health insurance and I can't cover the cost of supplies and upkeep? What if my mom has to pay for it all and I do someting to disapoint her? Like getting so depressed about not being able to take care of myself that I go out and get trashed, start doing dope again, attempt suicide and end up back in a psych. ward or a jail cell. Or worse, what if I attempt suicide and succeed, and my whole family suffers more than I ever have. Now, in the minutes I went from enjoying my day to thinking about what would happen if I killed myself, I can't take full breaths and I'm shaky, so I need to check my bloodsugar and take some anti-anxiety medication because I am seriously spazzing. Somebody once told me that if I have one foot on yesterday and one foot on tomorrow, I'm pissing on today. With that far-from-lovely image assosiated with dwelling on the past and dreading the future, these days I am able to cut myself off before I sabotage all of the wonderful adventures I am pursuing in my life. Just keep swimming, and all that. The Serenity Prayer helps, too. It's hard not to feel better after the Serenity Prayer.