Maybe its the mood disorder talking, but my joy over the pump that's already in the mail is beginning to recede. Because of the mothers of children with diabetes out there that I have been in contact with recently, I was hesitant about expressing these particular feelings; however, I am a writer, and I cannot help the flow. Maybe this will prove helpful to someone, instead of fretful. Many of the feelings of shame I felt growing up as a type 1 were accompanied by feelings of being a burden: a burden because of the attention I received over my sisters, a burden because of the lifestyle changes a whole family had to accept because of my issues and, more than ever since becoming a "legal" adult, the financial burden of being a diabetic.
I mentioned how my mother has been right beside me in pursuing my new positive, healthy lifestyle, and working towards my diabetes goals. The other day she paid out of pocket for an expensive piece of pump. I know that she will pay annually whatever the cost for the supplies needed to maintain the pump. I cannot afford to take care of my own disease. My mother says I've worked hard for these things, that she's happy to pay for a little ease and comfort for me (of which I am assured) and that she knows that soon I will be in a situation where I can afford to take care of myself. She is happy to do these things for me. Still, I don't want her or anyone to have to spend a dime on me. I am an adult, and it was my own life choices that put me in the situation where I cannot afford the things that I would like to have.
Its too late to tell her I don't want it, not that she would listen, the money's been paid. Can't go back now, especially because I don't want her to lose on the investment. On Monday she wants to order a Dexcom CGM (out of pocket)that the doc prescribed for me. I want it so bad I get emotional just thinking about what it would be like to have and to use. I don't think I could say no to it.
I try my best to stay positive, and lately have been able to succeed in that. Its odd that I get most down after hearing some of the best news. I am just so sick of feeling bad because of d.
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I can totally understand this on so many levels. I think it is kind of human nature to take pause and really evaluate things as certain "goals" or "wants" are met. Trust me, as a mother of a child with type 1, I would do the same thing for Joe in a heartbeat. Your mom wants to help you. I don't know what it is like to parent a 20-something-year-old-child-with-"d" (there's a mouthful - lol) but I can only imagine that it is nice for your mom to feel like she is helping you in some way to attain better control of "d".
ReplyDeleteAs for the Dexcom 7+ CGM goes...it is fantastic. Maybe give the pump a try first and see how that is going before you throw in another new piece of equipment. It may be overwhelming to get them both too close together. You could also give the Dexcom a "trial run" for the cost of one months worth of supplies ($300). We did this with Joe before we decided to get it. Just my opinion and I totally support you no matter what your choices are.
Have a great weekend!
Let that guilt go!
ReplyDeleteYour mother needed the gift of you allowing her to help as much as you needed her TO help.
As a mom of a CWD, I can tell you that there isn't ANYTHING I wouldn't EVER do to help my daughter manage this beast every single day for the rest of my/her/our lives...a mother's heart lasts forever.
There are plenty of other life lessons to be learned. Obviously, you're learning a few of them. As did I. As did your mom. As did every other adult (and if they tell you otherwise, they're lying!)
Let the guilt fly out the window, my friend.
Then wear your new pump and enjoy the journey....with your mom right there beside you :)
I have to completely agree with Reyna and Wendy, as moms there is nothing we won't do to help make our kids' lives better, easier etc D or no D. Your mom enjoys helping you probably even more so because you are grown up. It's what we moms do and as our kids get older we need to still feel needed.
ReplyDeleteWe are only 6 month in our journey with D and I know my 7 year old already feels some guilt over having D and how it effects the rest of the family.
I love reading your thoughts because it helps me as a mom to realize my daughter's side of the story. It's not always going to be pretty and there are things that she will have to release as an adult. Guilt, being one of them. I don't think I have ever met a person with a chronic illness who didn't struggle with some level of guilt.
Thanks for sharing your journey via your blog. I will enjoy following you.
Hi Jessica, I'm Heidi. My seven-year-old son was diagnosed with T1D in 2007 at age 4. Reyna introduced me to your blog, and I'm so happy she did. You definitely offer a perspective that we with CWD don't have yet.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with those who posted before me. We moms would do anything for our kids, D or no D. I'm sure your mother feels grateful that she has the ability to help you.
I just told my eight year old yesterday that I will always be there for her and that I will always take care of insurance and extra expense as long as she needs me to. Her response was "huh?" I told her someday it would make sense and gave her a gigantic hug knowing that someday she would be all grown up, but I still want to be there.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the positive feedback. I'm sure insight into each other's perspectives will prove to be more and more beneficial. So happy that my little d brothers and sisters have such overwhelming support on their own journeys.
ReplyDelete